13 Years Later- the Death of a Baby Still Haunts!

I did something stupid today.

I looked at my old medical records.

My daughter's funeral in 2000

Very old medical records.  I am not sure, really, what compelled me to do so but I did.  I am not even sure what I thought I would find.  It's not like I don't know my entire medical history or the medical history of my children, I have read the autopsy reports, I still remember speaking with a geneticist in 2003 and I still remember the words of the perinatologist that I saw through all of my pregnancies.  Maybe I thought I would find something my memory has chosen to file away and save for another day.  I do not know.  What I do know is that their deaths still hurt.  Their loss is felt when I think about them.

I try to not to dwell on this.   I will never forget my mom's words on the morning of my first born's funeral "You don't get over it.  You get through it."  She was absolutely correct- you will never get over it and you should never get over it.  If anybody tells you to get over it, you tell them to get over themselves.  Grieving is a process that never ends.  The days get a little easier.  You start thinking about the loved one a little less.  The sun starts shining a little bit more.  You move forward in your life.  You stop being angry that everybody is living their lives and you start living yours.  You laugh.  You smile.  Then... the guilt comes.  You feel guilty that you are moving forward and that you feel like you have forgotten your loved one.  Then, you stop feeling so guilty.  You don't forget, you learn to live again.  You learn to get through it all.

My first daughter was born September 18, 2000 at 32 weeks gestation.  She had polycystic kidney disease, a hypoplastic heart, hypoplastic lungs and Potter's Syndrome.  She lived an hour and a half and went into respiratory arrest in my arms.

My second daughter was born at 23 weeks on April 3, 2001.  She lived three hours.  She, too, had cystic kidney disease (we presumed polycystic kidneys but her autopsy showed diffuse multicystic kidney disease).

It may have been over a decade but I haven't forgotten them, I haven't forgotten their faces, I haven't stopped grieving for them.  The short time I had with them has created an eternity of memories and I have my sweet Emma that helps me get through every grief and learn to live again.