Changes. Changes. Changes. #NaBloPoMo

I couldn't come up with a topic on my own (again! Sigh). Once again, a writing prompt saves the day.  The question asks what would be the one thing I would change about myself.  One? Really?  Did the writing gods not notice my inability to settle on ONE thing?

This is difficult for me.  As I am pondering this question, I know it will be vague.  Maybe even generic but I will try and narrow it down a bit more.

I want to be a better person.  Generic, right? Super cliche, even.  I know, I know...  However, I feel I can have sub-categories.  Well, as I have said before, I will write whatever-I-feel-like-GOSH (Hee, I love Napoleon Dynamite way too much).

Just because I can:

Here are my sub-categories:

1.  A better mom.  I love, love, love my daughter but I have NEVER had the nurturing-mommy-instinct thing.  Never.  I am impatient.  I am selfish.  Showing my feelings has always been difficult but that is one thing that I never lack with Emma.  I shower her with love.  I have never been able to do that with my siblings, parents or exes.  However, with Emma it's so easy to show her love.  I am a terrible teacher.  I am lazy and I am making her lazy.  It's not okay.  She has disabilities and needs to be more active.  She's the sweetest firecracker ever.

2.  A better sister/aunt/cousin.  I am absolutely terrible.  I am never there for my family!  I am just not.  It's not that I don't care- I am oblivious and that's not acceptable.  I wish we were much closer and tight knit.  We had a difficult upbringing and my parents really didn't have the coping skills to deal with having nine children.  I am sad that we aren't close but I also don't reach out like I should.  We're all going through rough patches and we tend to shut down.  I have a big, beautiful family and it's like we're all ... apart.  I want. I want. I want.  That's what I keep saying.  I want.  No.  I will.

Early 80s.  Five out of Nine kids.  Picture of a picture.  Classy, I know. 

My oldest sister, my sister Steph in stripes, me in the hot pink and my two oldest nieces in front.

The following are photos from when I returned home to Kansas for my dad's funeral.  Just a small portion of us.

3.  A better friend.  Again.  See above.  I am a terrible friend and I know it.  I lost a ton of my friends due to my own inability to be a good friend.  I sit and wait and expect them to run to me. I am a taker, not a giver.  I can't be this way.  I used to be a good friend.

Halloween.  The B Team.  Like the @A-Team, only... nerdier.

Blurry photo but me and a very dear friend of mine drinking White Chocolate Cherry Martinis. Delcious! 

I will be a better mom, family member and friend.  Again.

Maybe I will then decide to date again.  Ha.  Or not.  We'll see.